i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
