Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
