i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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