I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
