i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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