Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
