I'm going to jail i love you
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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