Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
last night I used snow as a chaser
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
