after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
