addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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