Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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