Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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