I looked at my own cervix.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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