hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
