i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
