If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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