if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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