But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
