Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.