Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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