Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
