I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
