apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
