Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
