My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
