I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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