mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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