Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
