My liver just broke up with me...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
