im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
