Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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