My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
