Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
