he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
