im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
