Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
