its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
