when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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