Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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