I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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