I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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