Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
