Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
