Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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