Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
