dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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