You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
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I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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