and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And then my night got REAL pukey
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
