I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
