well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
