What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
