i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
